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Reward Positive Behavior
This is one of the most important things you can do to help your child develop
self-control skills. Sometimes the misbehaviors get all the attention, and we
ignore positive behavior. Remember, a child may be acting up to get attention,
so it is best to give positive attention to your child when he is doing well
rather than “reward” your child with attention when he is misbehaving.
- Positive reinforcement (rewarding a behavior) is the best way to improve
child behavior and teach self-control skills.
- If your child tends to misbehave, you may need to “lower the bar” by giving
praise for small steps toward good behaviors (if she sat still for a minute,
comment that you liked this). You may also need to “catch” your child being
good.
- Praise the behavior, not the child. (“I like the way you were playing
nicely,” not “good boy”). This works in reverse as well – if your child
misbehaves tell her what you didn’t like about the behavior, not that she is
“bad”.
- Rewarding your child doesn’t have to mean buying your child something. Kind
words, hugs, or doing a fun activity together usually mean more to children than
things.
Set Limits and Follow Through
- Have a set of basic, clear rules.
For example - “Play nicely – no hitting, no breaking toys”
- Decide in advance what consequences will happen as a result of your child’s
actions.
- Follow limits and consequences you have set up every time. If you don’t
follow through consistently, this will teach your child to push your limits.
Using Consequences
Fair Consequences Are…
- Respectful – state the rules clearly and kindly. Keep your voice firm but
loving.
- Reasonable – Remember the developmental level and capabilities of your child.
- Related to the behavior – if your child scribbles on the wall, taking away
the crayons and having your child help clean the wall is related to the
misbehavior. Taking away TV is not related.
- Revealed ahead of time – The first time the misbehavior happens, the child is
told what will happen if the behavior happens again.
- A way to teach responsibility – Setting limits with consequences teaches
children that they are responsible for their behavior.
Consequences should be based on your child’s behavior - not on how you
feel.
Let’s face it, when we’re in a bad mood our kids’ behavior can feel
monstrous, but when we’re in a good mood our kids can do no wrong. Be consistent
with your consequences and base it on what your child did - not on what kind of
day you’re having.
Children can be frustrating. If you feel yourself getting overly upset or
angry, don’t deal with your child immediately. Give her a “time-out” (a few
minutes alone) and take one yourself. When you are both calm you can give a
consequence that is fair.
It is normal to feel impatient or angry, but no matter how you feel, you
should never shake a baby. Shaking an infant can cause brain damage or death.
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Dealing with Temper Tantrums
Temper tantrums are normal in young children, and there are several healthy ways
to deal with them:
- Ignore the tantrum and allow your child to get rid of the energy. Because she
doesn’t attention for this behavior, it may decrease her tantrums.
- Pick your child up and hold snugly to help him calm down.
- Give one warning. Use a consequence if she continues (for example, if you
don’t stop yelling we will leave the park).
- If you are in public and your child does not calm, it is often best to leave.
Prevent tantrums before they start
- Avoid taking a hungry or tired child any place where you will need him to be
patient and calm.
- Take small snacks with you if your child gets hungry.
- Take things that will help your child play quietly (crayons, books).
- Help children change from one activity to the next (for example, “we are
leaving the park in 5 minutes. What is the one last thing you want to do?” Small
children don’t have a concept of time, so you will need to remind your child
“o.k., 2 more minutes”… “1 minute” …and then count down.
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